A Poem for 2024: An ode to Zendaya, a biblical bee invasion, and the art of playing naked

Read More: Hold my MargAryna, and other musings on an unforgettable 2024 WTA season

It began Down Under in Sydney and Perth
The twenty twenty-four campaign, for what it’s worth
The tour flashed its rizz (some occasional cringe, too)
The tennis incomparable, the highlights did accrue

Sascha saved match points at the United Cup
The Poles left crestfallen, the emotions pent-up
Grigor, he quenched a long title drought
Back in the Top 10, no plans to bow out

Jiri won his first title; Tabilo did, too
Baez went back-to-back; in theory, he flew
Tommy looked stylish in a ten-gallon hat
He won Dallas, then Queen’s Club, then Stockholm, God Natt!

Winner, Winner, Jannik Sinner!
‘I like to dance in the pressure storm’
In Melbourne Park, an ear-to-ear grinner
His winning ways became the norm

Ugo’s girlfriend subbed as coach in Marseille
Together they would hold their foes at bay
Thommo, in Baja, took the singles and doubles
A hard-earned sweep, two trophies for his troubles

With Demon’s effort down South of the Border
A good ‘AUSSIE!’ and an ‘OI!’ were surely in order
Alex hopped a red-eye, San Diego his aim
There in time to see his girl do the same

La Carota was perfect through his first sixteen matches
‘til Alcaraz snapped his streak
The on-court schemes that Spaniard hatches!
A freakish talent, so to speak

I-Wells saw Nardi score an upset for the ages
The lowest ranked to top Nole on such stages
The lucky loser called it a ‘miracle’, called it ‘crazy’
It would make some movie; quick, call Scorsese!

There was a bee invasion in the California desert
How one could drone on and on
Lance saved the day; ‘One hive at a time’ said his advert
Just like that, those pests were gone

Rafa gave Pedro the shirt off his back
‘You made my dream come true’
Taylor turned Claylor; no simp, no hack
Shang made history in Chengdu

Casper took the Barça plunge
His first 500, a dim record expunged
Plunked by a bottle atop his dome
Novak donned a helmet when in Rome

In Madrid, Nadal’s banners finally unfurled
A champion’s farewell, beloved ‘round the world
A robot dog brought the balls to the court
Thankfully, no barks, no bites to report

Stef sealed the so-called ‘Holy Trinity’
Another Monte-Carlo title, trophy No. 3
Holger and Tomas resurrected short-shorts
Retro tennis fashion, a throwback of sorts

The Clay King danced one Last Tango in Paris
For years, the competition Nadal did embarrass
A fourteen-time champ on the terre battue
Dating back to his triumphant ’05 debut

Our Brat Summer began on the lawns of Stuttgart
The splendor of the grass, the green
A healthy Jack Draper showed that he had heart
His game would please even the queen

A part-time model, his timing sublime
For Sir Andy’s clock was about to chime
By June, he was Britain’s new No. 1
Very much ready for his day in the sun

Muzza bid farewell on Centre Court
For the past two decades, he’s bettered our sport
Djoker, himself, bid the crowd ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD NIGHT’
His detractors ineffective (try as they might)

Federer played beer pong on an Ivy League quad
A commencement speaker, the grads did applaud
The maestro now a doctorate degree holder‘
Effortless is a myth’, his words ever bolder

Nick joined the Fourth Estate; oh, the irony!
From trash-talker to talkin’ head
Soon in the TV booth, right next to Chrissie
His candor disarming, not much left unsaid

With Jannik blasting serve after serve
KRUNCH! ZONK! OOOOF! KAPOW!
Mr. Paul was quite astute to observe,
‘He’s absolutely playing naked right now’

Tennis went Hollywood, the silver screen encouraged
‘Break Point’ got nixed, but don’t be discouraged
Zendaya in ‘Challengers’ was a box-office smash
‘The Twelve Days of Roger’ brought a certain panache

And Ms. Hathaway extolled our man Sinner
It’s clear he sparked some awe within her
He ‘understands tennis on a natural level’
Italy’s first No. 1, the actress did revel

Agassi, like Sinner, once the world No. 1
Heaped praise upon the player, his respect he had won
‘If the universe had a tournament, Earth would pick you’
A true cosmic take, a galactic point of view

With titles at RG and the AELTC
A Murcian pulled off a coup
The first to four major ‘chips, you see
Before age twenty-two

Who else but Rafa to tote the Olympic flame?
The honor spoke loudly of his transcendent fame
Nadalcaraz was the hottest ticket in the Bois
A pairing so daring, they left us in awe

Novak ‘completed tennis’ with his gold-medal run
At age thirty-seven, the Games’ oldest champion
Thiem and Schwartzman and Gasquet joined the exodus
The memories, the highlights; my, how they beckoned us!

Word came down that Jannik tested positive
Clostebol: To his success was it causative?
But the ITIA, they gave him a pass
A tainted massage, said the agency’s brass

Fritz took on that age-old query
Is it true that blondes have more fun?
In the rankings he climbed, never weary
A Slam finalist ere the year was done

‘People are hungry for stories’, wrote Studs Terkel
Matteo overcame hardship; back in the winner’s circle
Unbending belief was Berrettini’s fuel
The BOSS won Marrakech, Gstaad, Kitzbuhel.

Ben became the youngest U.S. No. 1
Since A-Rod in ’09, the lefty’s upsides a ton
Nole ditched Goran, said, ‘I’m not knockin’ ya’
The Croat resurfaced, this time with Rybakina

When Tsitsi fired his pop, things got hostile
‘He hasn’t been very smart, very good’
Apostolos no longer amongst his apostles
Their alliance not easily understood

Carlitos hit a speed bump in the Ohio suburbs
Against the wily vet Gaël, he sure lacked the numbers
Lost, 4-6, 7-6(5), 6-4; Oh, dear!
‘It was the worst match I’ve played in my career’

Felix got robbed in a Grandstand thriller
Prompting calls for video review
It came on match point, ramifications killer
Derision for the chair ump it drew

O captain! My captain!
Laver Cup, we were rapt-in
Mac and Borg made their swansong
Their legacy? Lifelong.

We had Zizou, Rinky, Bu and Sumit
Catch them in action, you’ll learn something from it
The oldest living Slam champ succumbed at one hundred
Vic Seixas was a force, to the net he once thundered

Sebi, in DC, matched Petr on his journey
The first father-son duo to win the same tourney
In Canada, Alexei grabbed his first Masters crown
Then topped Djoker in New York to much renown

Once ranked No. 10 in the world
Frances found himself ‘losing to clowns’
He righted his ship, in Cincy he twirled
Liking the ups far more than the downs

Foe added to his team some wisdom in Witt
Though with time violations, he did throw a fit
Shapo was defaulted, the reason bad language
He departed with a fine (and plenty of anguish)

The Saudis put millions into the 6 Kings Slam
A purse to die for, not to mention the glam
In Riyadh, a sumptuous affair had by all
‘I don’t play for money’, it ain’t ‘bout the haul

Gio, all six-foot-eight of him at that|
Stood tall in Basel and Lyon
His second serve, we marveled at
Un géant, he’s no péon

Daniil was lost, said he lacked motivation
In need of a vibe-check, he could use a vacation
His countryman Andrey showed some frustration
Taking racquet to knee; the self-flagellation!

Karen led a Renaissance, on the court he was keen
After a hiccup in Shanghai, he won twelve of fourteen
Hubi shed his coach despite a career-high
In the ‘Burg, Zverev-Fils didn’t see eye-to-eye

Three Masters 1000s and a pair of Slams
Went to Jannik (plus Halle and Rotterdam)
He took the Finals, too; eight titles on the year!
Clinched a Cup defense, the tip of Italy’s spear

‘What we can catch, we take,’ he affirmed in Turin
His opponents, like fish, Sinner did lure in
In their heads, it seems, he lived rent-free
And to think, dear friends, he’s just twenty-three

Rafa took a bow at the Davis Cup
‘Closed the circle’ in Malaga, his body beat up
Novak’s the last of the Big Three standing
Call him the Big One, if you’re rebranding

No ‘movie-script finale’ for the Mallorcan
But Rafa’s legend, you can’t stick a fork in
An eternal bullfighter, he’ll long be our bae
His Nikes, his polo, ever stained with red clay

The season was fire, the season did slay
But, alas, there are no more matches to play
Just how we’ll fill our days, we’re currently sussing
Dreaming of five-setters, dreaming of Flushing