WIMBLEDON, ENGLAND—There are only so many ways you can make a funny headline out of a man-bites-man incident, right? After three days of non-stop Luis Suarez coverage, I had thought the tabloids here would be out of ideas. I should have known better. The Sun takes top honors with their pithy description of the Animal's four-month ban from soccer:
GNAW MERCY
Sometimes, though, tab-speak can be harder to understand. For example, this headline from Friday’s Mirror:
STEAKS NOT SO HIGH FOR BORIS
The Boris in question, of course, is Becker, the three-time Wimbledon champion. Apparently, the man once known as “Bonking Boris” in the papers here had a dinner bet with the man once known as Superbrat here, John McEnroe, on the U.S.-Germany World Cup game.
How does one make this rather dry tale into a sordid story worthy of the tabloids? Let the Mirror show you the way:
“Loser American McEnroe paid for 'a nice meal in London,' and the bill was small fry compared to Becker’s infamous 1999 trip to the Nobu eaterie.”
In case you’ve forgotten exactly what happened on that infamous trip to Nobu, the paper has this helpful reminder:
“It destroyed the German’s marriage, left him with an illegitimate daughter, and cost him 20 million pounds.”
Farther down the page, the Mirror gets even harder to figure:
FOG RED MIST FAR FROM FAB
Huh?
Fortunately, there’s always another tab at the newsstand to set you straight. The Daily Mail is slightly more straightforward in its reporting in this case:
FOGNINI FINED FOR ‘SMASH MY RACKET IN YOUR HEAD’ THREAT
So that’s what this is all about: Fabio Fognini was fined a record $27,500 for threatening to smash an official in the head with his frame. That seems sordid enough as it is.
The Mail is also very clear in its assessment of this year’s crop of British players not named Andy Murray, the last of whom, Heather Watson, was eliminated yesterday:
WATSON LAST OF ALSO-RANS
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“I told myself before the match, I mean, this is Wimbledon, Court 1, I shouldn’t be grumpy. This is why I do this sport. This is why I play, to play these matches.”