Retro to Metro

Okay, time to move on, Tribe. Good discussion below on a potpourri of topics. The big news today is that Steggy, our Hillbilly Princess, has posted a valuable visitor's guide to TennisWorld, which is located in the Categories, at New to TennisWorld. It contains a glossary of Acronyms and Nickname FAQs, along with the site rules. So come on out lurkers or newbies. There's plenty of room in the tent.

I see in the Comments that we're back to Bjorn Borg vs. Roger Federer again. First off, it was welcome news to read that the Bjorn Borg clothing line has been launched again; guess he can keep his trophies now. Hat tip to Rosia for pointing her well-manicured finger toward this report, from Bloomberg:

By Niklas Magnusson

Dec. 12 (Bloomberg) -- The Bjorn Borg fashion brand created by
the iconic Swedish tennis player will start selling in the U.K.,
home to Borg's biggest victories, as the company owning the rights
to the label pushes abroad.

Worldwide Brand Management AB, the company that last week
bought the ownership rights to the brand, will sell Bjorn Borg
products at the Selfridges department stores in London, Manchester
and Birmingham, WBM said in a statement today.

Borg, a five-time Wimbledon tournament tennis champion,
started the fashion brand in 1989, and the goods are sold in more
than a dozen European countries. WBM bought the brand on Dec. 7
with the aim of creating a global label. Prior to the purchase, the
company had an agreement to use the trademark for products
including clothes, underwear, shoes and glasses.

``The launch at Selfridges is the start of the establishment
of Bjorn Borg in the large and important English market,'' said
Jimmy Johansson, WBM's head of marketing.

WBM, which recently entered Germany, sold Bjorn Borg goods for
920 million kronor ($135 million) in the first nine months of 2006.
There are also ``good growth prospects'' for the label outside
Europe, WBM Chairman Fredrik Loevstedt said in an interview Dec. 7.

Ah, do I detect a Bjorn Borg revival, about to swing into being? Since I'm an old dude, here are some Bjorn Borg fashion tips for any of you who feels a hankering to go retro with a Bjorn Borg look:

Shoes - clogs (currently in renaissance, available by some company or other that is called Bjorn with some weird strike-through. . . ever wonder why so many things Swedish have Bjorn somewhere in the name?)

Socks - white athletic, just like the ones worn by the guy driving the fork lift at the UPS truck dock.

Jeans - Designer, worn tighter than casing on a sausage, preferably with some Euro label like "WorldPax" or "Fannywhammy", endorsed by George Michael.

Shirt - White gauzy peasant blouse, worn out; You add a wide black leather belt (although Borg never did'; thank God for small blessings!) if you also want to be mistaken for the lead singer of Men Without Hats.

Hair - Big, but not styled (think Malmo-proto-Grunge). Wash frequently except during tournaments, when the greasy look compliments scattering of pimples distributed through your woefully sparse beard and mustache.

Jacket - Find one tight enough to emphasize that your shoulders are hooded, like those of a condor, but don't even think of trying to play like Borg unless your shoulders really are that broad and curved.

Tennis Shoes - Treton, white and low-cut, either the canvas ones with the faint amber glow (if you're going for the pre-superstar Borg look) or the leather ones favored by New Jersey Orthodontists  who wanted to be just like Bjorn, only moreso. Make sure they have that discreet, blue, angled <  that was a precursor to the Swoosh and the evil globalism and corporate greed that it represents.

Tennis Socks - Surprisingly thin, short, ankle-huggers that look like little kid socks with the blue trim on top and the Fila "F" logo in red and white. May as well be friggin' Barney.

Underpants - Nice white bikini briefs with quick rel - ah, maybe I shouldn't go there.

Shorts - Short. White. Tight. Snap-front, and red-and-blue elastic waistband for quick rel - stop, Pete, you're such a childish moron sometimes!

Shirt - Fila-line cream, with maroon pinstripes and contrasting red collar; bi-cep hugging sleeves, tiny snaps (buttons are so inelegant!) that will never be closed because the shirt should be so tight that you have to burn it off at the end of the day with a propane torch. Think of it as the paint job on the Ferrari that you are - which is exactly what you will look like when you add the sleeve patch promoting the watch of choice in the Golden Age of tennis, Ebel.

Headband - Narrow, suspiciously similar to a wedding garter, in Fila red-white-and-blue. For authenticity, take it to a nearby park, lay it in mud, and stomp on it a few times, to give it that lived-in look.

And remember - if you want to be a true champion, that headband isn't there just to keep your unwashed locks from cascading all over your face when you hit one of those slapshot backhands. It's also a thought suppressor. You've got too many things to think about to think when you're playing tennis like Borg.

There, my friend. You are now ready to swim against the Metrosexual tide. Next week: tips from Guillermo Vilas on how to make the portion of your thighs below your shorts (Fila: see above) look greater in diameter below the hem than above.

Now, to more trivial matters.

I would not denigrate the quality of Borg's typical Roland Garros rivals; his scores (and they are astonishingly one-sided) are more a tribute to his out-of-control superiority than to any lack of talent among his peers. Remember, this was back in the wooden racquet era, when men were men and women could smell them coming from a mile away - at least after they completed their routine, six-and-a-half hour rallying contests on clay.

Borg had amazing "physicality." He could out-run, out-gun, out-last and out-gut rivals.  And how many players are capable of doing that, in any given generation? Foot speed, great range, consistent strokes hit with topspin off both wings, a talent for defense and indomitable will create a formidable combination. Borg turned tennis into a game of ping pong played on an oversized table, which wasn't entirely a good thing, and very often was a just plain bad thing - to behold, anyway. The way Borg roughed up Jimmy Connors, outmuscling and outrunning him, was eye-opening. Federer doesn't beat people up that way, but I guess you could say it's because he doesn't have to. Fair enough.

John McEnroe was the only person who ever solved Borg's game, and he did so by stopping play instead of getting drawn into it (Note to current pros: He did it via winning volleys and a determination to end points quickly).

I don't know what Roger Federer would do with Borg's pace (speed of play as well as speed of shot), but I'm pretty sure Borg could handle The Mighty Fed's pace and angles. That's why it's my "dream match" -even more than Pete Sampras vs TMF.

I respect Rafael Nadal tremendously, but Borg undeniably had a better serve, I think he was a mite quicker, if not faster, and I think his backhand was superior. Remember, Guillermo Vilas held the clay-court winning streak record Nadal recently broke, and Borg gave Vilas a hiding almost every time they played. Nobody could come within shouting distance of Borg on clay; not on his worst day. The only thing he was vulnerable to was a game based on a big serve on a fast surface - and at the time, the U.S. Open had a much faster surface than it does today.

That question about the Roland Garros/Wimbledon double vs. the Wimbledon/U.S. Open one is a fascinating one. It's a very close call. But in the end, I come down on the side of the Borg double. There is a greater dissimilarity in surfaces, the tournaments are awfully close together, and the knock-out potential of the Wimbledon equation, back in an era abundant with great attacking players, puts it beyond reach for me.  A versatile player like TMF has a much better chance of winning Wimbledon in this era than in that of Borg; the impunity with which the big servers and attackers rained hell on gifted shotmakers (not that Federer isn't more than that) was sobering. Borg found a way to beat them all, for reasons I'm still not sure I understand, and probably never will.

On clay, Borg crushes TMF like he crushed everyone else. On grass, TMF is in with a shot - but not with what he brings to the grass court today; he would have to attack repeatedly. On hard courts today, I go with Borg. On the hard courts of the Borg era, TMF is in with a shot.